Sing a song of sex and death.

Our van is being euthanized soon.

We're in Indianapolis, where we weren't supposed to be until the 23rd of January, because our transmission suddenly decided to slip n' slide its way into the dustbin of history. Add to that the ubiquitous spray of coolant leaking from our radiator, our suddenly totally useless heat and her increasing shudder, and we're putting our baby down.

This is a van that we bought a few years ago for $2,200 with just over a hundred thousand miles on it. Our odometer stopped working about three tour ago, forever stalled at 173,000 miles as we drove up Highway 101 in California. We've replaced everything on this van numerous times, are on our fourth set of tires and have basically rode it without mercy for years. This equals us feeling totally attached to it and sort of unreasonably sad that we've got to get another and let it go.

The bad news is that we're missing our tour kickoff show in Jersey tonight. The good news is that we were added to a show here in Indy, a supposed-to-be-raucous house party that should prove to be stupid amounts of fun. Fun is exactly what we need, since we're exhausted and grouchy and feeling betrayed by our van, that sweet and bitter bitch that she is. A fucking party does wanton hopelessness improve.

So we end 2005 by kicking our van to the curb like the toothless, A/C-less ho she is. There's hopefully a nubile, midriff-barin', leatherclad Ram 3500 hottie in our future, just itching at the chance to climb on the highway and fuck that blacktop until it spits.

Tatanka! Everything's a dolla!

So let me tell you a little bit about the town of Murray, KY. It's a beautiful place with grits aplenty. There are friendly, simple folk, a local college, nipples and our good friend Tatanka. (Mmm! Butter!) It's also the town where we'll be stuck for the next day or so until our van gets fixed.

The deal is that our transmission is kinda fucked. This is Tulsa Dustin's fault, because he asked us the first night if our transmission was going to hold up. He's a dick and jinxed us. We no longer like him.

We're thusly in Murray, watching a preview for the "Girls Gone Wild Games." This will no doubt culminate in much surreptitious jerking later on. I'll keep you posted after I clean up.

We drove from Alton like homie-bros, got into Murray and ended up at the Log Cabin, where the show was taking place. The Log Cabin has delicious dinners, most of which include at least six kinds of pig. We spent the entirety of our meal giggling and singing songs, as we are wont to do, and got on the show. We chowed down on tots n' chili. Mmm!

Apparently the word spread that we were playing and some kids showed up by word of mouth, which was flattering and way-gay in a way that makes me wanna squirm. Also squirm-worthy was the promoter, who was a bit of a goof. Make that uber-goof, in that he made the bands soundcheck on a $100 PA, explained each and everything he did, and played in a band who wore corpsepaint while playing pop-punk. But sweet.

So we played. It was hot. We then met Tantanka and her friend Flashy. (Guess why she's called that and win a prize.) Tantanka offered to employ her hand-slabs for erotic pleasures, but had to split because Steak & Shake was closing soon. We sang songs and danced to the beat of sweet for up to eleven minutes. Jeremy made me laugh so hard I fell down on the pavement and had to be rescued by Snaggle, Jr. and Flashy, who flashed me again. I won't tell you what he said because you'll think we're pure evil.

So now we get to wake up early and fix, fix, fix. From there it's a drive to the east coast. I'm going to shower and touch myself now. Wish me luck.

Eat to the beat!

Dear Diary,

I can't believe my dad asked me to the Fall Fling! I'm so excited. Jay kay.

So we're in Alton, an acheivement that will go down in the annals of sweet. We accomplished this by driving across Kansas and Missouri, stopping at pretty much every gas station ever to accomodate our overactive bladders/colons, singing along to "Rent" and eating chicken wings. Where did you get the chicken wings, you say?

You're clever, reader. Verrry clever. I welcome this battle of wits.

So last night, while not a show as explosive as the night before's, was a ton of fun. Crammed into Matt's tiny basement, rocked out fairly hardish, actually sold some stuff and got to see all the Alton friends we know and love (Ronnie, Jill, Ol' Toothless Doug, Masta C and so on.) We drank a whole lot, Diary. I will tell you right now that I am leading in the Redneckalyzer Points with a staggering BAC of 0.31. Jeremy had one Zima and scored 0.27, except he didn't. Thjis grants me a healthy lead, but one that can be obliterated if someone decides to shit their pants in public or start a homeless person on fire, or something equally (duh) sass.

While drinking, there was lots of faux fellatio and the decision that while on tour I'd get a necklace made of hickeys. This means I've got two enormous hickeys now that sort of look like I was harpooned through the neck. This made for endless hilarity whilst explaining the concept of Project Runway to my bandmates and souses townies.

This aside, we met some sweet homies from Indiana called Baxter Kid Disaster who're letting us come to Kentucky with them. I'm guessing by the end of the day that they'll be foul-mouthed, tattooed, bicuriously drunk Lotharios. Like us, I guess. Whatev.

Today is Kentucky. Today is also the day I eat the ass out of some White Castle.

The white, creamy light of Jesus the Christ.

So yo! The first day of tour was a pretty unmitigated success, brah.

Wichita is always lovely to us, but this time was sweeter than even the gods could have known. It was an epic battle.

We drove like true doggs. There was stopping and eating at times. I read a book about a child molester. This book was called "The Bible." True to form, there was much singing along to Alanis, Dan getting far too stoned and trying to eat his own fist, and Bradley blinking and looking around.

We also got pulled over for the first time ever. It went down like this:

We was cruisin', reciting poetry to Dan, who was writing it down for posterity, when we saw the copper flash his lights. We pulled over, hid our massive stash of ganj n' ludes. When the cop came to the window, Jeremy started crying. (This is because he was once cornholed by a nightstick.) The cop was all, "Yo, your tags are expired." I was like, "We got a temp sticka, nigga," and he was like, "Aw, dang."

Anyway, we told the cop to chill, threw a handful of feces at him, and were on our way to the 'Chita only an hour and change late. We pulled up to see one million kids at the show. Each one of them bought a shirt, a hoodie, a record and a copy of Dan's solo album, called "Reflections on Gay: Dan Sings!" Seriously, a lot of kids, which is kind of refreshing after the last tour, where we played primarily for the girls from whom we'd borrowed money in the past.

We got the "Fuck Thunder" vinyl from Dustin, who is officially the sweetest bearded leprechaun we know, especially now that he's started drinking. Our van is a merch machine: Six different shirt designs, all four full-length formats, rekkids, stickers, Staind tribute band albums, etc. Rock.

We're now at Kody's. Rickyfitts left last night for tour, so we spent most of our time this morning stealing their stuff. I scored a pretty sweet melon spoon.

Tonight is the sweetness of Alton, where we've been promised barrels of yak.

Dates of Thunder!

Yo. So here are the so-far dates for the winter tour. I'm posting them here, too, even though they'll go on MySpace and the website, because I am more anal than a man made completely out of butts.

OUR SINGER HAS CANCER/BREATHALYZERS N' SODOMIZERS TOUR '05-'06

12/27 Wichita KS @ TBA w/ Rickyfitts

12/28 St. Louis MO – HELP!

12/29 Somerset KY @ TBA

12/30 Central VA – HELP!

12/31 Edison N.J. @ JERSEY-STYLE NEW YEARS V.D. PARTY!! WOO!! w/ Post Office Gals

1-1 We’ll be hungover today.

1-2 Wilkes-Barre PA @ Café Metro w/ An Albatross, Post Office Gals

1-3 Columbus OH @ Bernies Distillery w/ Post Office Gals

1-4 Lansing MI @ MACs w/ Post Office Gals

1-5 Chicago IL @ the Studio w/ Post Office Gals

1-6 Cincinnati OH @ Parkland Theatre w/ Post Office Gals, Diamonds for Eyes, See You Next Tuesday

1-7 Murfreesboro TN @ TBA w/ Post Office Gals

1-8 Birmingham AL @ TBA w/ Post Office Gals

1-9 Myrtle Beach SC @ Social w/ Post Office Gals, Sparrows Swarm and Sing

1-10 Charlotte NC @ the Shogun Hideout w/ Post Office Gals, Thus Spoke, Network of Terror

1-11 Chapel Hill/Raleigh NC

1-12 VA Beach VA, @ Sweet Caroline’s w/ Post Office Gals Walking Judea

1-13 Washington DC @ Warehouse Next Door w/ Post Office Gals

1-14 Newark DE @ UDel w/ Post Office Gals, Mass Movement of the Moth, Order of the Dying Orchid

1-15 Brooklyn NY @ Red & Black w/ Post Office Gals, Battletorn, the Casket Architects and Team Robespierre

16 Waterbury, CT @ Los Amigos w/ Bravo Fucking Bravo, Deadgirls Diary

17 Amherst MA @ TBA w/ Bravo Fucking Bravo, Animal Hospital

18 Boston MA @ TBA w/ Bravo Fucking Bravo, Animal Hospital

19 N.H. @ TBA w/ Bravo Fucking Bravo

20 VT @ TBA w/ Bravo Fucking Bravo

21 Upstate NY

22 Cleveland OH – HELP!

23 Indianapolis IN @ TBA w/ Anapparatus, Base Defiler

24 Peoria IL @ Legion Hall

25 Iowa somewhere

If ya'll can help us out somewhere, stop being a pussy and do so, or I might suckerpunch you in the ovary.

tgrh.